Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
three things we don’t talk about
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life