I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”