Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My what?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon