*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
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Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
The “research” scene in every horror movie
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.