No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.