If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. Whatās updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHATāS UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Donāt complain to me about gaining weight until youāve outgrown a necklace.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that donāt listen, theyāll be out front.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Wanna play a dangerous game? Itās called taking a nap at 4.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dogās chart at the vet says āmust be picked up, wonāt walkā.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
There…fixed it š¤£š¤£š¤£
Whatās with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.ššš
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: Iām wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I hate when people say āthink again.ā Buddy, I wasnāt even thinking in the first place.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isnāt this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My friend sent me an invitation to an āInteractive Murder Mystery Dinnerā which is great because Iāve always wanted to decline one of those.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’