Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
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My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Only a mother’s love …
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I put the hot in psychotic.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.