*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
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In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.