What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
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[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you