I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.