“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Don’t forget to tip your server
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.