50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
You Might Also Like
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Truth. ššš®āšØ
Thatās enough internet for the day
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Priest: Donāt chew gum in church.
Me: If I donāt, Iāll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: Itās your fault if I go to hell.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. hereās our little murder doodler
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. Itās not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn