You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
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Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.