No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
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A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
just gave your address to some spiders
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks