Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
They got Raph!
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.