[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
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Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
How about I get 100% off by already being there
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.