*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb