me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
me adding lol on a serious message
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him: