I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Meanwhile in Portland…
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this