Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
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we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Go hard or stay average
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.