I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it馃槶馃槶馃槶
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we鈥檝e offered her
I can鈥檛 go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who鈥檚 stuck with me that would be great
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don鈥檛 shut up.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you鈥檙e quiet
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they鈥檝e requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don鈥檛 overstock
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I don鈥檛 know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000鈥檚
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren鈥檛 in the same place
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you鈥檙e qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord