Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.