Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
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Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.