Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Left at a local drug store…
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!