“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.