Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Brb my Sims are getting married
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
see you in hell you stupid fruit
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.