Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
congratulations to them
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther