When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
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I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I want what they have
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.