i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Wait for it
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
He’s dead
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.