It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
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White parent Vs Arab parents
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
The “baby” on the left….
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?