I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.