My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.