*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
This made me chuckle.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes