[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
🙅🏻
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh