ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
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I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name