I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?