Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?