when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
You Might Also Like
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
going to the ER y’all need anything
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.