I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
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A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My whole life was a lie.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.