here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
You Might Also Like
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it