how long have you had this for?
You Might Also Like
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
tis the season
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Whoa… oh I see lol
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Whisper out to librarians!
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.