BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
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Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we鈥檇 really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
you stereotypes are all alike
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let鈥檚 do a silly one
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
馃ぃcould you imagine
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I鈥檝e decided what I want for dinner.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I鈥檓 a family of 8.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.