I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend