[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
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My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.