FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
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“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE