[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.