the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Who says great literature is dead?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too