I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out