I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
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[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*