ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all